Shooting myself is not an option

I remember at the lowest of times...the powers that be in the Air Force didn't help me, I couldn't tell my family, Mike was never going to let me leave...even if I did leave who would want me? The pills, I'll take sleeping pills, thanks to Mike I have a very high tolerance for pain, but I didn't want to purposely cause myself pain.  

Shooting myself is not a option, yes I was in the military, but I was supply for the love of God not the infantry!  I didn't know alot about guns, other than shooting an M-16 once a year (and you are walked through every step of that like a 3 year old) I had no idea how to handle a weapon.  Mike liked to shoot and had a few hand guns as well as semi-automatics around the house.  Mike was going to teach me to shoot and not be afraid but what he did was the reason I couldn't shoot myself.  

Mike took one of his semi-automatics and me out shooting, he told me to stand "right here, don't f$%^ing move, right here" so I stood right here!  The cases came flying out of the gun red hot and landed right on my cheek, leaving a couple small burn marks.  Oh let me tell ya, Mike found this absolutely hysterical.  He would the sick bastard.  He said it was to teach me a lesson, the lesson was "I'm the boss and look what I can do to you" I got it loud and clear.  I'm afraid of guns to this day.

Back to the pills...took the whole bottle...yea it was cool...I'm going to lay right here and just go to sleep.  Feeling pretty good...nothing is really bothering me now...OH SHIT HERE COMES MIKE WHAT THE F*&^ IS HE DOING HOME?  For as big a dick as Mike was he knew me well and I have no idea what he was doing home or why he came straight in the bedroom or checked the bathroom.  I had told no-one.  He saw the pill bottle empty lying on the sink.  He grabbed the hand gun that he kept under the bed, pointed it at my head and shouted "you better throw up or I'm going to blow your goddamned head off."  This for some reason sent me into a fit of laughter "HELLO GENIUS...that's the point!"  He took the gun from my head and put it to his own..."fine then I'll blow my head off".  

I have spent many years trying to figure out why I didn't take him up on his offer.  Would have been so much easier.  I think at that point in some twisted way, you think that you love them, or you are thankful for them, you know for putting up with you when no-one else would.  I don't have a definite answer for you and maybe everyone's is different, but I didn't want to hurt him I wanted to hurt me!

In the years to come I would become far more homicidal than suicidal, hurt the person that's hurting you not yourself!!

When the abuse started...

In high school I was the varsity cheerleader, had a college boyfriend, and pretty much thought I was the cutest thing to come out of Wheatland CA.  Mike changed all that.  He started hitting me when his wife turned us in.  You see if one of us was going to get in trouble it was him, like I said he was my supervisor the person appointed over me to make sure I was alright.  I thought someone would ask me what was going on...try to understand why I would be with this man.  You actually can't blame the Air Force, the Air Force as an entity did not know what was going on, but the Captain that we worked for, or the 1st Sgt that didn't listen, or the commander at the time (all of which were female can you believe that) who was more worried about the reputation of the supply squadron than what was happening to a 19 year old girl.  

They moved me to a different section, that's all they did.  Oh Mike and I got in trouble, I pretty much got a slap on the wrist, he received an article 15 and lost a stripe, that went over well at home let me tell you.  

Mike was so smart when it came to beating me, in full uniform you would never see the bruises on my legs, my back, the back of my head or under my armpits where he would pick me up and shake me like a rag doll.  He only beat me when I tried to leave, so I quit trying to leave him.

As my depression worsened, I started to gain weight, that's when the physical and mental abuse started.  I was fat and ugly and I was lucky that he wanted me.  When he would hit me he would tell me just how lucky I was that he was there for me.

I know that when we watch Oprah we all sit there and say why?  Why would you take that? Why would you think that?  Why would you stay?  It's easy...you believe it!  You start to believe in your heart that this is as good as it gets for you.  You are fat and you are ugly at least you have someone that loves you so much they can't bear the thought of you leaving so they beat you senseless.  Yes I know exactly how that sounds but at the time it is what I felt and what I thought.  My entire self-esteem or lack there of depended on the fact that if I tried to leave he would beat me...now that's love.  

My daughter is safe in the military...right?

We want to think that when we hand our children over to the military that they are completely safe and nothing can happen to them.  For the most part that is true, but don't be fooled, the military hides things, covers things up, or just plain doesn't handle them at all.  

For most 18 to 19 year old that join the military you are sent far from home and rely heavily on your supervisor to be the parent until you can figure some things out on your own.  Well what happens when that supervisor decides that he is in love with you and will do what ever it takes to have you for his own?

Mike was a 31 year old E-5 and I was a 19 year old E-1, it was his job to protect me, help me settle into the military way of life, be there for me and show me my way around.  At first everything was wonderful, I was settling into the section just fine, my dorm room was nice, my room mate was great and life was good.  (The 49er's couldn't loose and who doesn't love life when your team is on top.)  Mike was becoming more and more strange...wanting to know who I was seeing and where I was going after work.  He had a wife of his own, what the hell did he care what I was doing.  One night Mike showed up at my dorm room, when I asked him what he was doing there, he put his hand in his pocket and shoved it into my ribs.  "You're coming with me" he said.  I've tried desperately to understand why I got into his car...why didn't I scream, why didn't I fight, why didn't I do anything?  I don't know if it was because this was a man I trusted, who's job it was to take care of me, I have no idea and to this day I wish I could tell you.

Mike drove me to his apartment, when I asked where his wife was, he said he kicked her out and could no longer live with out me.  Mike sat down in the middle of the floor, a gun in front of him, one on his left and one on his right, grabbed his guitar and started to play.  He told me to go to the bedroom and take my clothes off and get into bed.  I know some of you are reading this saying why?  Why did you do what he said?  I WAS F&^%ing SCARED that's why.

Now in the military, adultery is a crime.  Punishable under the UCMJ.  When Mike's wife found out what was going on she pressed charges.  This lead to the first of many ass beatings I would receive at the hands of Mike.

www.safecosmetics.org

I believe that being hotter at 40 is a self-confidence and knowing who and what you stand for...something you never knew in your 20's. However, a little help with outside apperance never hurt anybody. The Campaign for Safe Cosmetics is a coalition working to protect our heath. Cosmetics are not regulated by the FDA and you would be amazed at what we put on our faces that gets into our pores and into the blood stream. Check out their Skin Deep report and see where your skin care line stands...you will be so surprised.

Ask not what you can do for your country...whatever!

There is no deeper meaning for joining the military than to serve one's country, that is so not why I joined the military. I wanted the hell out of my house. Not only did I want out I wanted as far away as possible. I didn't want to follow in my father footsteps or anything that gallant I just wanted the hell away from that family. I was 19 and thought of no-one but myself, I couldn't get out of that house fast enough, even signed up to do supply work just to get out of there sooner.

My father thought of no-one but himself or who ever he was married/screwing at the time, my step-mother was convinced my brother and I were the children of Satan. Here's the funny part, my brother and I did well at school, did what we were told, and had quite a few friends, my step brothers and sister on the other hand, well let's put it this way, if the cops were at the house it wasn't because of my or my brother. For this we paid dearly, we were kiss asses at school she would say, we were just sneakier than her children, and hadn't got caught. I caught her crying one day, and she asked my why was it always her kids. My step brothers were theives and eventually got kicked off base and had to go live with their dad in England, my step sister dropped out of school and married very young. My brother and I both graduated and went into the Air Force.

My brother is so bitter...he hates our step mother to this day, and blames me for leaving him all alone when I went into the military. He was left in the house with my step-mom and dad for 3 years after I left and I never stopped to think how bad it must have been for him. He's very angry about our child hood and can't understand how I have managed to forgive everyone and move on. I saw my brother about 6 months ago and he wants nothing to do with his family at all. I asked him what about my two sons his nephews, don't you want to see them? He told me flat out we weren't exactly from a tight knit family, not seeing any of us doesn't phase him at all. I guess I cried for about a minute then I realized that my brother's issues had absolutely nothing to do with me...they were his issues and not mine nor my children.

Am I mad at my brother? No way, I can't demand honesty from people then be mad that they told me the truth. He was honest, and I prefer to know where I stand. I hope that my brother finds whatever it is that he is looking for, but only he knows what that is.

Mom catches Dad cheating the first time!

What happened after the infamous phone (see previous post) is probably one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life.  When my father came home from work it was on.  Mom started screaming, Dad started lying, and the 5 kids scattered to what ever room they were not in.  You have to under stand that my father is/was quite the drama queen, and for years he had been able to get around women by pulling the I'm going to kill myself routine, or hurting himself just enough to get attention, not enough for hospitalization.  So anyway, Moms yelling "Why", Dad's yelling "wasn't me" and they make their way into the dining room.  At the end of our dining room are 2 french doors...you know the big heavy ones, my father starts at one end of the room and runs and jumps head first into the middle of these doors, as he whacks his head (there is no give to these doors), he goes flying backward and lands flat on his back, KNOCKED OUT.  At this point I'm in the kitchen and my mother calls me to come help her.  There is my Dad flat on his back, my mother is bent over him, not touching him, just staring at him, she stands there for a moment and says "well that's the f*&^ing stupidest thing I've ever seen in my life".  My father stands up completely pissed off and storms upstairs, leaving my mother standing there laughing hysterically.  

About 15 minutes goes by and here comes my Dad down to the kitchen, all the kids are now in the front room and my parents are both in the kitchen.  It was kind of quiet for a few seconds...then Dad says "that's it I'm going to kill myself" my mother being the "I'm not taking anyone's shit" kind of woman she is says "Well here's a knife have a ball" walks straight out of the kitchen and upstairs.

Is she awesome or what!?

I've asked my Mom numerous times why she stayed with my Dad, she has never given me a straight answer...maybe it was to punish him, maybe she loved him that much, maybe she didn't want to be a single parent anymore, who knows...but honestly that's her business.

The reason I can laugh about this now (come on deep down you know this is some funny shit that you can't makeup if you try) is that I have taken from the experience what I needed.  I've made the same statement to people that have tried the "I'm going to kill myself" routine.  I watched my mom stand up to my dad and walk away that made me a stronger person.  I have every right (according to society these days) to be bitter and screwed up but why, where does that get me or my children.  I am thankful that my parents (all 4 of them) were screwed up in their own way it has made me a better parent and a better wife.

Don't get on your high horse just yet...as I said it has taken many years for me to come to these conclusions...wait until you hear about my 20's...I'm no angel either.

 

Putting blame where it lies!

I told you before my father has been faithful to no-one and mean no-one. When my mother came over from England we lived in California, but it wasn't long before we were moving to England. I don't remember how long we lived in England before my Dad cheated, I told you I don't remember a lot from childhood, but to make a long story short he did. There was my mother and her five children all sitting in the dining room when the phone rings...we hear my mum say "this is his wife...who are you?" then "he doesn't have any kids...he's got 5 kids would you like to speak to them?". Now understand at the time it was devastating, not only had my father pushed our pictures back...now he was telling his girlfriends that he had no children at all, yet again worthless. Let's look at this from another perspective...the other womans. Imagine you meet this guy, he's handsome, he's single, he has no kids, he's attentive, buys you flowers, you call his house and HOLY SHIT he's got a wife and FIVE, not 2, not 4, but 5 kids...that's gotta ruin your f*&^ing day. To this day I feel sorry for her, she didn't know my mum nor did she know that my father was married, I was always impressed with my mother for taking it out on the person that had a committment to her not the woman that had no idea. My next post will be about the aftermath of this phone call...but my point was that every once in a while you should step back and look at something from someone elses point of view you may find that you are blaming the wrong person.