Wednesday, 26 September 2007

When the abuse started...

In high school I was the varsity cheerleader, had a college boyfriend, and pretty much thought I was the cutest thing to come out of Wheatland CA.  Mike changed all that.  He started hitting me when his wife turned us in.  You see if one of us was going to get in trouble it was him, like I said he was my supervisor the person appointed over me to make sure I was alright.  I thought someone would ask me what was going on...try to understand why I would be with this man.  You actually can't blame the Air Force, the Air Force as an entity did not know what was going on, but the Captain that we worked for, or the 1st Sgt that didn't listen, or the commander at the time (all of which were female can you believe that) who was more worried about the reputation of the supply squadron than what was happening to a 19 year old girl.  

They moved me to a different section, that's all they did.  Oh Mike and I got in trouble, I pretty much got a slap on the wrist, he received an article 15 and lost a stripe, that went over well at home let me tell you.  

Mike was so smart when it came to beating me, in full uniform you would never see the bruises on my legs, my back, the back of my head or under my armpits where he would pick me up and shake me like a rag doll.  He only beat me when I tried to leave, so I quit trying to leave him.

As my depression worsened, I started to gain weight, that's when the physical and mental abuse started.  I was fat and ugly and I was lucky that he wanted me.  When he would hit me he would tell me just how lucky I was that he was there for me.

I know that when we watch Oprah we all sit there and say why?  Why would you take that? Why would you think that?  Why would you stay?  It's believe it!  You start to believe in your heart that this is as good as it gets for you.  You are fat and you are ugly at least you have someone that loves you so much they can't bear the thought of you leaving so they beat you senseless.  Yes I know exactly how that sounds but at the time it is what I felt and what I thought.  My entire self-esteem or lack there of depended on the fact that if I tried to leave he would beat that's love.  

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